Let me start this post by saying that if you'd like a shot at getting your name on the list of nominations for 'parent of the year' I would strongly suggest that you pile your young children in the car and take them to Drummond's Haunted Hay Ride in Spencerville. There's nothing that screams parent of the year more than subjecting your kids to a forest full of psychos, evil and death, leaving them breathless, shaking & scarred for life. Take it from me, because I did just that this past Saturday night.
When friends of ours asked if we wanted to go with them to a haunted hay ride, for some reason I had it in my head that these types of things were good family fun. Perhaps that is because the majority of them are. Perhaps it is because our friends, who have done it before, didn't suggest that Sam & Juliet might be too young. So sure. Why not. My kids would love to see some skeletons, witches, ghosts & goblins. They love Halloween. It'll be fun. I don't think I could have been more wrong.
Once you arrive at the location, somewhere between hell and the middle of nowhere, other than a couple of spotlights you'd think the world shut off the power. Waiting in line alongside a dark hay field bordered by the forest isn't exactly comforting. In the distance you can hear screams, screeching fireworks, creepy music and smoke from a bonfire drifting through the naked trees.
I thought it was fabulous. My children, not so much. Every so often masked men would run from the forest to the lineup of us unsuspecting visitors and give us a taste of what's to come. Now even though I wasn't phased by this let it be known that while costumed people are good old fashioned fun, jean & sweatshirt clad people with masks that look like they were stolen from Slipknot or "The Strangers" are plain old psychotic. It took a lot of repeating "this isn't real" to keep the kids having fun. And they were... for the time being. You could even say Juliet was excited. Sam was mostly quiet and seemed to have no problem with the situation. Even when he bumped into someone, turned around and came face to face with this...
He held his cool. And despite the menacing advances of the psycho clown, Sam even managed to stare it down until it ran off into the darkness. Congratulating Sam for "scaring him off" seemed to ease the tension and made Sam feel good. Or at least pretend to. Still, no one asked to go home. No one had second thoughts. Even after encounters with this..
no one asked to go home... and I still thought this was good family fun.
After a good 45 minute wait we finally made it to the wagon. The kids over heard the tractor driver say something along the lines of "if you're brave sit on this side & if not sit on this side". The kids wanted nothing to do with the brave side... although in retrospect I really don't think it would have made much of a difference. We found a spot to sit at the front of the wagon and Sam decided he preferred to sit on the floor where everything was less visible. As we waited for more people to board the wagon various creatures began climbing the sides of the wagon. I'm sorry did I say creatures? I meant psychopaths.
Juliet asked if they would come in the wagon and I honestly believed it when I told her no. I even kissed one on the cheek to show her they were harmless. She wasn't buying it.
It all started out ok. Sam stayed on the floor and Juliet clung to my side. The tractor pulled us through the pitch black forest filled with REALLY creepy noises including the piercing sound of a crying baby. Totally inappropriate, in an awesome way. There were masked psychos in the woods that approached the wagon and some even grabbed onto the sides. There were (real) decrepit old cabins and just enough light to barely see anything clearly, a great way to play with your eyes. At one point in the distance you could see something hanging, or rather swinging lifeless from a tree way above our heads. It was pretty cool and was clearly meant to mimic a hanging dead body... until the wagon was directly under it and it began thrashing & screaming hysterically. It was a real frickin' person!!! Who got stuck with the 'awesome' job of hanging from a tree for 4 hours scaring wagon after wagon! Excuse my language but holy shit! If you ask the kids now they'll tell you it was funny. Really they just didn't understand.
After that lovely spectacle we were back in the darkness and everyone was still ok. Then in the distance you could just barely see what was coming up next...
That was one thing that made it so freaky. Most of the route was total blackness until you were about to come upon another horrifying scene. And you could tell by looking at this one that it was something that just wasn't right, although nothing about this night was right. When we got close enough you could see & hear that it was a baby. A giant, creepy, horrific baby looking for it's mother.
The creepiness of this scene, luckily, went right over the kids heads, and everyone was still doing fine. That is until we were back in the blackness of the forest and the wagon was finally boarded by death itself. Fabulous. It was all downhill from here. In the darkness all you could see was a black figure and the outline of his white scythe approaching our end of the wagon. All Juliet could see was the white scythe. I could feel her tense up and when he finally reached us he flashed on his bright red eyes. Oh lord have mercy. That was all it took. Juliet let out a blood curdling scream of sheer terror and began crying hysterically. Don't even ask me why... I must have had a big 'ol helping of stupid pie for dinner, but I did not expect it. I guess I thought that I had done enough explaining that it was all pretend that I was convinced they would know. FAIL. There was little I could do to calm her down. I held her tight and repeated over and over again that it was okay... it was all pretend. I don't even remember what Sam was doing. I think he was completely silent, but I can guarantee that he too, was terrified. I abandoned my camera and held Juliet. More and more psychos continued to jump ON and IN the wagon from ALL SIDES. In front of us, in back of us, beside us. Everywhere Juliet looked (and anyone for that matter) there was some new masked psycho and she just kept screaming. The more simple, the more terrifying. Yep. Simple, and terrifying. Like... A white mime mask is great in the light of the fair... but in the darkness of a haunted hay ride it's down right terrifying. I'll tell ya, It's one thing to hold your child as they scream... it's another to actually FEEL their terror. Although I was laughing, mostly because I just couldn't believe what was happening, it was pretty intense.
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, you hear it. The beloved chainsaw. Awesome. And before you know it, who jumps on the wagon? Why none other than Jason himself! With his very loud and very REAL chainsaw! YAY!! I couldn't believe what was happening. I had to laugh. It was just too crazy. He crouched on the ground swinging his (bladeless) chainsaw and revving the motor. Smoke and the smell of gas filled the air and Sam quickly decided that the floor just might not be the safest place. Having Jason ask "who was gonna be first" also didn't help the situation. He was on the wagon for what was probably the longest 45 seconds of my children's lives before cranking the chainsaw full blast and disappearing into the darkness. CRA-ZI-NESS. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe how scared Juliet was. All I could do was laugh and, as horrible as it sounds, think "this is awesome". Of course my children being scared wasn't awesome... but I knew they weren't in any danger. This was the greatest hay ride ever.
There was a long stint where nothing terribly traumatizing happened and the kids began to calm a little. Well, Juliet did. Sam was eerily silent the whole time from what I can remember. Come to think of it, I really can't remember Sam's reaction to much of anything because Juliet was so hysterical. After narrowly missing a head on collision with a train, which was quite well done, I had to coach her through the horrible sounds of blood thirsty wild animals accompanied by red eyes in the darkness of the trees by telling her it's just a radio. The next scene we fell upon didn't scare the kids as much as I thought it might so I was able to loosen my grip on Juliet and pull out the camera again. The picture might not show it but it was a very real electrical execution.
"I can see the end" I said to the kids who were quite happy to know that it was almost over. "Can we go right home?" Juliet asks. Well... not before passing by a clown that makes Pennywise, the clown from IT, look like a fluffy rabbit. And who so graciously stood up from his display of hanging balloons and baby parts to approach the wagon. I covered Juliet's eyes and told Sam not to look if he didn't want to... to put his face in my lap. I can't even remember what he did.
So the worst was over. The end was near. The kids were able to catch their breath and were so excited that they could see the end they were able to suffer through the remaining psychos jumping at the wagon. What an experience. A little less good old family fun and a lot more terror. I was certain I would never, ever sleep alone again.
The owners & volunteers that put this together did a FABULOUS job. It was well worth the money & well worth the wait. I would do it again in a heartbeat... But perhaps there should be a disclaimer to the tune of "not suitable for children under 10". I have to say... calling it "the SCARIEST ride around when ghosts & goblins, witches & phantoms take over Drummond's Sugar Bush and turn it into a very EERIE place" is putting it mildly. It's kinda false advertising. And by kinda I mean completely & totally. Like I said earlier, it's definitely more of a "... SCARIEST ride around when psychos, evil and death take over Drummond's Sugar Bush and turn it into an experience that will leave you breathless, shaking & scarred for life". My children, Juliet especially, narrowly escaped death by heart attack. That's way more than an "eerie" place. When we got back to the comfort of the van and started home they both voiced how they'd like to never do that again. And even though I knew the answer I asked, for fun, if they liked it or hated it. Sam, who is always trying to be tougher than he is, says " a little bit like, but a little bit hate. I like more the hay ride at Edgewood Farms. They just have cows".
When friends of ours asked if we wanted to go with them to a haunted hay ride, for some reason I had it in my head that these types of things were good family fun. Perhaps that is because the majority of them are. Perhaps it is because our friends, who have done it before, didn't suggest that Sam & Juliet might be too young. So sure. Why not. My kids would love to see some skeletons, witches, ghosts & goblins. They love Halloween. It'll be fun. I don't think I could have been more wrong.
Once you arrive at the location, somewhere between hell and the middle of nowhere, other than a couple of spotlights you'd think the world shut off the power. Waiting in line alongside a dark hay field bordered by the forest isn't exactly comforting. In the distance you can hear screams, screeching fireworks, creepy music and smoke from a bonfire drifting through the naked trees.
and this..
and this..
After a good 45 minute wait we finally made it to the wagon. The kids over heard the tractor driver say something along the lines of "if you're brave sit on this side & if not sit on this side". The kids wanted nothing to do with the brave side... although in retrospect I really don't think it would have made much of a difference. We found a spot to sit at the front of the wagon and Sam decided he preferred to sit on the floor where everything was less visible. As we waited for more people to board the wagon various creatures began climbing the sides of the wagon. I'm sorry did I say creatures? I meant psychopaths.
It all started out ok. Sam stayed on the floor and Juliet clung to my side. The tractor pulled us through the pitch black forest filled with REALLY creepy noises including the piercing sound of a crying baby. Totally inappropriate, in an awesome way. There were masked psychos in the woods that approached the wagon and some even grabbed onto the sides. There were (real) decrepit old cabins and just enough light to barely see anything clearly, a great way to play with your eyes. At one point in the distance you could see something hanging, or rather swinging lifeless from a tree way above our heads. It was pretty cool and was clearly meant to mimic a hanging dead body... until the wagon was directly under it and it began thrashing & screaming hysterically. It was a real frickin' person!!! Who got stuck with the 'awesome' job of hanging from a tree for 4 hours scaring wagon after wagon! Excuse my language but holy shit! If you ask the kids now they'll tell you it was funny. Really they just didn't understand.
After that lovely spectacle we were back in the darkness and everyone was still ok. Then in the distance you could just barely see what was coming up next...
That was one thing that made it so freaky. Most of the route was total blackness until you were about to come upon another horrifying scene. And you could tell by looking at this one that it was something that just wasn't right, although nothing about this night was right. When we got close enough you could see & hear that it was a baby. A giant, creepy, horrific baby looking for it's mother.
The creepiness of this scene, luckily, went right over the kids heads, and everyone was still doing fine. That is until we were back in the blackness of the forest and the wagon was finally boarded by death itself. Fabulous. It was all downhill from here. In the darkness all you could see was a black figure and the outline of his white scythe approaching our end of the wagon. All Juliet could see was the white scythe. I could feel her tense up and when he finally reached us he flashed on his bright red eyes. Oh lord have mercy. That was all it took. Juliet let out a blood curdling scream of sheer terror and began crying hysterically. Don't even ask me why... I must have had a big 'ol helping of stupid pie for dinner, but I did not expect it. I guess I thought that I had done enough explaining that it was all pretend that I was convinced they would know. FAIL. There was little I could do to calm her down. I held her tight and repeated over and over again that it was okay... it was all pretend. I don't even remember what Sam was doing. I think he was completely silent, but I can guarantee that he too, was terrified. I abandoned my camera and held Juliet. More and more psychos continued to jump ON and IN the wagon from ALL SIDES. In front of us, in back of us, beside us. Everywhere Juliet looked (and anyone for that matter) there was some new masked psycho and she just kept screaming. The more simple, the more terrifying. Yep. Simple, and terrifying. Like... A white mime mask is great in the light of the fair... but in the darkness of a haunted hay ride it's down right terrifying. I'll tell ya, It's one thing to hold your child as they scream... it's another to actually FEEL their terror. Although I was laughing, mostly because I just couldn't believe what was happening, it was pretty intense.
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, you hear it. The beloved chainsaw. Awesome. And before you know it, who jumps on the wagon? Why none other than Jason himself! With his very loud and very REAL chainsaw! YAY!! I couldn't believe what was happening. I had to laugh. It was just too crazy. He crouched on the ground swinging his (bladeless) chainsaw and revving the motor. Smoke and the smell of gas filled the air and Sam quickly decided that the floor just might not be the safest place. Having Jason ask "who was gonna be first" also didn't help the situation. He was on the wagon for what was probably the longest 45 seconds of my children's lives before cranking the chainsaw full blast and disappearing into the darkness. CRA-ZI-NESS. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe how scared Juliet was. All I could do was laugh and, as horrible as it sounds, think "this is awesome". Of course my children being scared wasn't awesome... but I knew they weren't in any danger. This was the greatest hay ride ever.
There was a long stint where nothing terribly traumatizing happened and the kids began to calm a little. Well, Juliet did. Sam was eerily silent the whole time from what I can remember. Come to think of it, I really can't remember Sam's reaction to much of anything because Juliet was so hysterical. After narrowly missing a head on collision with a train, which was quite well done, I had to coach her through the horrible sounds of blood thirsty wild animals accompanied by red eyes in the darkness of the trees by telling her it's just a radio. The next scene we fell upon didn't scare the kids as much as I thought it might so I was able to loosen my grip on Juliet and pull out the camera again. The picture might not show it but it was a very real electrical execution.
"I can see the end" I said to the kids who were quite happy to know that it was almost over. "Can we go right home?" Juliet asks. Well... not before passing by a clown that makes Pennywise, the clown from IT, look like a fluffy rabbit. And who so graciously stood up from his display of hanging balloons and baby parts to approach the wagon. I covered Juliet's eyes and told Sam not to look if he didn't want to... to put his face in my lap. I can't even remember what he did.
So the worst was over. The end was near. The kids were able to catch their breath and were so excited that they could see the end they were able to suffer through the remaining psychos jumping at the wagon. What an experience. A little less good old family fun and a lot more terror. I was certain I would never, ever sleep alone again.
The owners & volunteers that put this together did a FABULOUS job. It was well worth the money & well worth the wait. I would do it again in a heartbeat... But perhaps there should be a disclaimer to the tune of "not suitable for children under 10". I have to say... calling it "the SCARIEST ride around when ghosts & goblins, witches & phantoms take over Drummond's Sugar Bush and turn it into a very EERIE place" is putting it mildly. It's kinda false advertising. And by kinda I mean completely & totally. Like I said earlier, it's definitely more of a "... SCARIEST ride around when psychos, evil and death take over Drummond's Sugar Bush and turn it into an experience that will leave you breathless, shaking & scarred for life". My children, Juliet especially, narrowly escaped death by heart attack. That's way more than an "eerie" place. When we got back to the comfort of the van and started home they both voiced how they'd like to never do that again. And even though I knew the answer I asked, for fun, if they liked it or hated it. Sam, who is always trying to be tougher than he is, says " a little bit like, but a little bit hate. I like more the hay ride at Edgewood Farms. They just have cows".
too much
ReplyDeleteOmg, I'm dying.
ReplyDeletevery entertaining review,makes me want to go but at the same time not
ReplyDelete