our fam

My blog is lacking. I wish I had more time to post because I have lots of stuff I want to share. I'm still having a REALLY REALLY hard time with Sofie. Tonight I got a chance to write a letter to my midwife. It sort of sums up what I am going through right now & how I feel about it. It's pretty emo but I am desperately hoping that she might be able to help us somehow. I wonder a bit if I should be sharing this on my blog... is it too personal? I don't think so. This blog is about my life & my family & this is what we are going through right now. This is how I express myself. So... In the event that you might be interested in hearing all about my hardships (again) with a new baby here's an excerpt from my letter. You'd think I'd have this baby rearing thing down pat by now. Evidently not.

... It all started out wonderfully but as the days went on she became more and more difficult. More crying, less sleeping. Her crying isn't quiet either. She screams bloody murder. It's now to a point where I just don't know what to do. From the minute we get up in the morning to the minute I can finally get her to sleep at night she is either crying or nursing. There is hardly an in between. Mere minutes of the day are spent not nursing or crying. I am the only one who can calm her because the only thing that clams her is to nurse. I am not exaggerating when I say that my ENTIRE day is spent on the couch nursing. She will fall asleep but will wake up almost as soon as I pull my nipple from her mouth. She basically does not nap at all during the day. Some days I will spend hours nursing her until she falls asleep, putting her down, and having her wake up minutes later to start all over again. Eventually I give up trying to nap her. Her nights are not so bad. She wakes up every couple of hours, some nights she will sleep longer. What is difficult during the night is getting her back to sleep.... but that is not even what concerns me. It's the daytime. We changed her formula a few times at first and ended up giving her a gentle formula with less lactose. But that didn't change anything. And now she barely takes a bottle so I don't think it's a formula thing. We've tried drops for colic, although I really don't think she has "colic". I've even given her chamomile & fennel tea because I read that it is supposed to be soothing for babies. No difference. She is not constipated, in fact her poo is quite liquid. Sometimes her poo is pretty mucousy (if that is even a word). But I assume this is normal in breastfed babies. While there are days that she has quite a bit of gas, I really don't think there is anything wrong with her. This is just how she is. I feel like if there was something actually wrong, even nursing wouldn't calm her, or there would be other symptoms. She does move a lot. If we put her in her bouncy chair for the small amount of time she will be alright in it, she kicks her legs vigorously. If you ask me though, it does not appear to be because she is in pain. She will do it without crying. Like I said... I am reluctant to believe there is anything "wrong" with her... she is just a difficult (very difficult) baby. It's like she is happy... to nurse. She smiles at me... she even smiles at her Dad sometimes. But ultimately all she wants to do is lie in my arms and be able to nurse all the time. Otherwise it's crying (screaming).

... Although I am physically exhausted, I am way more mentally exhausted. There are many precious moments you are supposed to enjoy with a new baby, and I feel that the only moments I am enjoying are the ones where I am getting a (very short) break from Sofie. This hurts me emotionally. I spend a lot of time nursing & crying because I am just so overwhelmed. Another thing that burns me emotionally is that I feel like I am not at all present in my other 2 kids lives right now. For everything they ask of me my answer is almost always "I can't because I have to nurse Sofie". The times where I am present with them 9 out of 10 times Sofie is screaming hysterically in the background or we are all sitting on the couch while I am nursing. This doesn't appear to affect them, but it greatly affects me. They definitely don't have the best of their mother right now, even when I am able to focus on them. It breaks my heart. My husband is off work now so he is 100% focused on taking care of them, but it is difficult for me to be so out of touch. My husband cannot take care of Sofie. She won't allow it. Some mornings after the kids are on the bus he can come and get her for a bottle while I sleep for a bit, but those are becoming fewer & fewer. Sofie is no longer interested in taking a bottle, in fact it makes her scream. It, along with a soother, is like a huge insult because what she really wants is the boob. So any breaks I get from her are vanishing.

Going out & about is very difficult too. Any time we have gone to run errands with Sofie I find myself scurrying off to nurse somewhere to stop her incessant crying. So her & I don't go out much because it's just easier to stay home. When the weather was nice for a bit we spent a lot of time outside, but even then the nursing just moved from the couch to a chair on the deck.

I have had friends mention that maybe I should stop nursing, but I can't even entertain the idea. First off, as crazy as it seems, I don't want to stop. I can't imagine taking away the one thing that is not only the best for her, but what she enjoys the most. I just wish there was a way to make it easier. With my other 2 kids, nursing was such a special time for me. With Sofie, although there are times it is special, it has become so difficult because it has taken over our lives. The idea of stopping is just as emotionally damaging to me as everything else. I don't know what to do. I find it difficult to believe this is normal. I know that a new baby is a lot of time & attention, but this seems outrageous. If my husband wasn't off work, I wouldn't be able to do it. I wouldn't be able to focus on Sam & Juliet. That makes me feel horrible as a mother because I feel like I should be able to take care of all 3 of my children. The only way I can put Sam & Juliet's needs first is to let Sofie scream, which is what happens if my husband is out during suppertime, or any other time Sam & Juliet need my undivided attention. Thankfully that very rarely happens because he is off work... but it doesn't stop me from feeling horrible about it. How do other moms do it? Not everyone has the privilege of having 2 parents at home. This just adds to my emotional exhaustion.

... I thought I could write to you because you have been with us from the start, and with your experience you may have some answers or ideas for us. I keep telling myself this will all be over eventually but I'm just worried about how long 'eventually' will be. Some days are easier than others. Some days I can handle it. But there are days that I just cry & want to scream because I can't handle it. I don't want to say "I don't know how much more of this I can take" because I am a mother... and I will take it.. every bit of it. But I am still exhausted... and maybe there is something you could say or suggest to help me. Arghhhhhhh!!!

So there you have it. Hopefully the next time I blog about this it will be better. I am really so excited to have 3 kids I just wish it was easier. I can't wait for this difficult time to be over so I can REALLY enjoy all 3 of them.

I really need to go to sleep... but I just wanted to share with you something that Sam brought home from school, which was really the intention of this post. It's his rendition, in plasticine, of our family. It's fabulous.

There's Papa, me & Sofie, Sam & Juliet. Isn't it great!! I LOVE it. I love when my kids are crafty. I love Juliet's drawings, even when they are about bad guys & bad guy families (which was her latest drawing). I should really do more crafts with them.