It's been a rough couple of days. It's actually been a rough 7 weeks but who's counting? Difficult babies are difficult! Geez. Hours and hours of breastfeeding daily takes it's toll. As much as I love the closeness & holding her it's a difficult pill to swallow being completely tied down to your baby... and your couch. Sofie will feed & then sooth literally for hours in a row. I just keep switching back & forth between boobs. It's crazy! Most of her awake time is spent nursing and if we stop she will cry 97% of the time. If I am lucky she will nap for an hour straight (or more if I am REALLY lucky) once a day. Today was NOT one of those days. She did, however, spend some quiet (and by that I mean not crying) awake time with Papa...
That was nice, for both of us. Even getting a break for 5 minutes is enough to refresh the levels of stress & patience. And when she smiles & coos that adds even more stamina to the next stretch of nursing & crying.
I'm really looking forward to more & more happy awake time. The night waking isn't even the issue anymore... it's the daytime crying. I can live with the waking every 1.5-3 hours. I just wish she would be happy when she's clean, fed & awake. Is that so much to ask? Apparently.
Two days ago I was home alone with the 3 kids and felt REALLY inadequate as a mom. It was supper time and I needed to feed Sam & Juliet. Sofie SCREAMED the whole time I cooked supper. Sam & Juliet tried to calm her down... but neither of them have boobs so that didn't work. It's very stressful to listen to your baby scream, especially when you are trying to take care of your other children. It made me feel horrible. If I responded to Sofie's screams then Sam & Juliet's needs would be put second. That makes it sound drastic but essentially that's what it was. It may not have been a huge big deal, and I just let Sofie cry, but the idea of it all made me sad. Now normally my husband is home to focus on the older 2 because he has 8 months of parental leave from work, but he was out. It made me think... what the heck would I do if we didn't have that privilege? If it was always just me? So I felt even more crappy because that was like saying I can't even take care of my 3 kids on my own. What do families/mom's do who are in that situation? With a newborn at home & other kids to attend to? How do they do it? Am I crazy to struggle? Should it be easier?
Is it just me or is the reality of caring for a newborn largely UNDER exaggerated? Sure it's a wonderful time... but it's way more of a difficult time. Am I crazy or does life seem to come to a screeching halt? Even if you don't want it to? The difficulty & needs of my new baby don't give me much more opportunity than to sit & nurse & sleep when I can. I cannot attempt or desire to accomplish anything other than caring for her if I want to get through the day with some level of sanity. Wanting to clean the house or rake the yard is far out of the question, because as soon as I want to accomplish something Sofie is crying &/or won't nap. If I don't accept that, my levels of stress are through the roof. I have to tell myself it's okay for me to accomplish nothing. Even though it makes me feel useless. I shouldn't say that because I am caring for a new born child... which is the very opposite of useless. But letting go of everything else is another challenge of newborn parenting I struggle with.
I would LOVE to hear about your difficult baby stories. Or about how you nursed for hours & hours on end. It's nice to know you're not alone. I decided to write a bit about this in the event that someone who is having a rough time might read it & feel better about themselves. I know that I would feel better knowing that other parents are going through or went through similar experiences. I can't even remember if I felt all of this with my first two. Was it as hard? Yes. It was different. I didn't have 2 older kids to care for. Was it easier to do nothing? I don't remember. I was a few years younger. Am I too old for this now? I couldn't be. I'm only 32. Who knows. Being a parent is very hard... even when it's your third time.
I'm really looking forward to more & more happy awake time. The night waking isn't even the issue anymore... it's the daytime crying. I can live with the waking every 1.5-3 hours. I just wish she would be happy when she's clean, fed & awake. Is that so much to ask? Apparently.
Two days ago I was home alone with the 3 kids and felt REALLY inadequate as a mom. It was supper time and I needed to feed Sam & Juliet. Sofie SCREAMED the whole time I cooked supper. Sam & Juliet tried to calm her down... but neither of them have boobs so that didn't work. It's very stressful to listen to your baby scream, especially when you are trying to take care of your other children. It made me feel horrible. If I responded to Sofie's screams then Sam & Juliet's needs would be put second. That makes it sound drastic but essentially that's what it was. It may not have been a huge big deal, and I just let Sofie cry, but the idea of it all made me sad. Now normally my husband is home to focus on the older 2 because he has 8 months of parental leave from work, but he was out. It made me think... what the heck would I do if we didn't have that privilege? If it was always just me? So I felt even more crappy because that was like saying I can't even take care of my 3 kids on my own. What do families/mom's do who are in that situation? With a newborn at home & other kids to attend to? How do they do it? Am I crazy to struggle? Should it be easier?
Is it just me or is the reality of caring for a newborn largely UNDER exaggerated? Sure it's a wonderful time... but it's way more of a difficult time. Am I crazy or does life seem to come to a screeching halt? Even if you don't want it to? The difficulty & needs of my new baby don't give me much more opportunity than to sit & nurse & sleep when I can. I cannot attempt or desire to accomplish anything other than caring for her if I want to get through the day with some level of sanity. Wanting to clean the house or rake the yard is far out of the question, because as soon as I want to accomplish something Sofie is crying &/or won't nap. If I don't accept that, my levels of stress are through the roof. I have to tell myself it's okay for me to accomplish nothing. Even though it makes me feel useless. I shouldn't say that because I am caring for a new born child... which is the very opposite of useless. But letting go of everything else is another challenge of newborn parenting I struggle with.
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| xo... a tired mom. |
I think you're smart to lower your expectations. I know that exact feeling... especially around naps. Exhaustion is immediate regardless of how you felt just the minute before. Anyway, I should probably just call you. I don't know how useful it is to compare what you've got going on to other people. I think there is a whole spectrum when it comes to newborns and mamas. Just because someone copes better or worse than you with a demanding baby doesn't change the way you actually feel right now, right? You're tired and that's ok (not ideal but ok :)) Have you broken out the moby and wrapped her in there yet? Being outside in that might be a good change of scenery for a few minutes. This is my last week at school then I'll be around more! I can't believe it's been 7 weeks already!
ReplyDeleteI don't know anything about raising children, but dude, I don't think you are complaining or crazy to feel any of what you are feeling. Hopefully some other ladies with experience will be able to put your worries to rest. I just appreciate your honesty here, and as a maybe-one-day-mom, I am learning a lot from you, and very appreciative of what you are offering with these baby posts.
ReplyDeleteI know you to be a strong lady, and even with such a post, I still know it - even more.
There's another blog I read that gives valuable info and insight into motherhood - the good the bad and the ugly of it:
http://joannagoddard.blogspot.de/
Look for posts tagged Motherhood because the site is also about lots of other topics - lifestyle in general. On mondays though, it's always about motherhood over there. Maybe you'll like it ;)
Courage ma belle xoxoxoxo
Shit.. My cousin is having her 3rd in two weeks completely solo.... I plan on seeing her allot. Sometimes, I think the world gives "difficult" babies to people who can handle it, even though you feel like you can't, the world thinks you can... perhaps those who don't have a hubby with 8 moths off get the easier babies.
ReplyDeleteI photographed Maria's baby today... we talked about you, I wish I was next door to you FIVE!!!